My article in Cricbuzz!

When I went to London in high school, the hotel helpfully provided a 'basics of cricket' leaflet for its foreign guests. I looked at it, thought it was too confusing, and didn't bother learning anything about it at all.

Then I moved to India, where it was certainly necessary to learn the basics.

But I never thought I'd get an article published in a well-known online cricket news site!

Read it here:

http://www.cricbuzz.com/cricket-series/cricket-news/71373/south-africas-exit-brought-breakup-level-sadness

Thanks to G. Rajaraman for forcing me to put my thoughts into written word form :)

I put the world in neutral

Over the last few months, I have drifted far, far away from my daily Bengali study.

I don't know exactly why, especially at a time when I should have been eager to learn - our Let's Learn Bengali open group has crossed 800 members and the intermediate group has progressed so much. I still speak with my in-laws regularly. I have many Indian and Bangladeshi friends who want to talk to me in their own mother tongue, yet it is me who resists, even as I don't want to resist. I want to hear them talk about their day, the joys and frustrations, the deeper things of life, to be fully and truly themselves. I want to be able to capture that in myself, the inflections, pauses, the allusions. I have so much opportunity right now to really plunge in and become bilingual, culturally competent in more than one sphere. 

But I'm not there, and maybe it's that I'm judging myself for the halting sentences, the superficial conversations, the accent I will never lose, the translating from English, the trying to remember what page in the textbook that grammatical construct was on. I'm spending too much time in my head that I can't converse, I can't understand, I can't love. So I go back to default, put my world in neutral instead of moving forever forward. I can compose the most beautiful lines in my own mother tongue, weave words into a tapestry that captures a feeling, decorates a moment. Yet when I read Raihan's Bengali poetry, I'm lost on the third word and I can't even understand the denotative meaning, much less appreciate the beauty and deeper meanings. A cry of delight leaves me analyzing - can I say those words too? When? Will they laugh at me if I do? Does sundor apply to more than just things you see? What about things you hear? taste? Why am I wondering these things when I should be enjoying the time with friends, the good food, the music? I hate that I am thinking so much and living so little, so little that I don't even remember the moments afterward. I'm not even learning very much this way. But is it necessary? I know that I have to be uncomfortable while learning and using a new language, but is it even doing me any good? I know there's still lots to learn and work to do. But the work is getting in the way and I seem to be spinning my wheels, not improving.

I don't have to learn Bengali, you know. My husband speaks perfectly good English. There are plenty of non-Indian women married to Indians who never learn much more than a few phrases. I speak well enough to have simple conversations with my in-laws. But I just want more than that. I want to be able to connect with them about more than just the weather and cooking. I want to be able to comfort my friends in difficult times, on their terms. I want to be able to discuss books and movies, and exactly what I liked and did not like about them. I want to know when the compliment I think I'm getting is an icy barb in disguise. But no textbook has chapters on these things. I am not interested in textbooks anymore; they don't teach the things I really want to know. How to live, how to love, how to connect to people in the language their heart speaks. That's the reason I want to learn and always has been. It still feels like there's a gulf between, and I'm not sure if I can get to the other side. 

But from yesterday on, I'll make my tiny futile attempts to do just that. 

Festive season #1 for 2014

[Edit: Guess what? I was nominated for Best Personal Blog of 2014 for Nepaliaustralian's 2014 Blog Awards !! I am so honored to have been nominated; vote for me if you want to, but please read all of them because the others nominated are wonderful!]

I know I neglect this blog a lot these days. Sorry ! :( The last few months have been a flurry of activity; basically I haven't slowed down since early September. I drove (solo) to Portland twice - once for a rehearsal and once for my singing school's recital. I drove to Seattle last weekend with a friend to see St. Lucia in concert, which was amazing. They are fantastic musicians and it was worth the eleven-hour round trip.

In between that was festive season #1 - Durga Puja, Diwali, and not one but two college fests that I sang for. Here in our small town, Durga Puja is generally 'observed' over two days in the community in a relatively small-sized get-together with pushpanjali, food, and a cultural program that consists of those of us who sing, dance, recite etc. doing just that (unlike some bigger cities who bring in musicians and movie stars from Kolkata to be the evening entertainment.) For me, who has never experienced a 'real' Pujo season in West Bengal, it is mostly a chance to reunite with friends and make promises to meet up more often, some of which get kept, and to meet new people who arrived in August, who are still making themselves at home in the area. One day I am sure I will get to see what is missed so much by others, but that day has not yet come.

Also during the puja season, I like to cook, and cook a lot. All Bengali food, obviously. This year I made alur dom, cholar dal, luchi, sooji halwa, labra, and a chicken curry, among other things that now I forgot. I ran out of steam before attempting mutton or fish; I am much better with veg food than nonveg anyway, so it was perfectly fine :)

Diwali week again was busy, though I wasn't really expecting it to be. I went to not one but two Lakshmi Pujas on the same day, and the days before and after were spent meeting and greeting friends and making sweets for said meet and greets. I wasn't even at HOME on Diwali and the lights I had so carefully put up on the balcony went unlit that day.

And the college festivals - both were at our local university - India Night came first, the week after Durga Puja, then Bangladeshi Night the week after Diwali. For India Night, I sang Iktara, from the movie Wake Up Sid. (And no, I don't have a video yet.) Bangladeshi Night was more involved; I sang three folk songs as part of a small chorus with two guitar players, and provided the percussion via my electronic tabla app. I was also asked to help with makeup, and spent much longer than expected in the sound check - between all these things, I didn't sit down for nearly four hours at a stretch. Both festivals went absolutely wonderfully and great memories were made, but I certainly did fantasize about a nice, quiet weekend doing nothing but sitting in bed watching Cosmos on Netflix!

Which, of course, has not happened... because festive season #2 is quickly approaching with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years coming up. We're still trying to figure out with A's schedule if we will travel or not this season but right now it's looking like no. Even if we stay here though, it will still be a flurry of parties, visits, baking, decorating, and gift-giving. It never stops, and I think I kind of like that. :)

Oh, and I dressed up as Pusheen the cat for Halloween.

D.B. and me for Halloween - the dark angel and the fat cat. Also, glitter.